I realize it's been a LONG time since I've written anything. So much has been going on - but I know there's really no point in making excuses because the truth is, I will end up doing whatever I put in a place of priority.
Right now in my life there is so much that needs to be done around the house and just taking care of daily tasks that just ends up getting put off. I really feel quite OVERburdened. I have pressured myself and stressed myself to no end for years to get the tasks on my list done. I'm finally realizing that I simply wasn't created to be running in a such a fast pace. Some people are quick thinkers and get things done quickly & easily. But the older I've gotten, the slower I seem to process tasks in my mind and carry things out.
The distractions and interruptions we incur with having a larger family seem to increase with every year our kids get older! I discovered that it gets my mind into the HABIT of jumping from one train of thought to another. Then before I know it, my mind is trying to go 5 different directions at one time, like those old typewriters when you hit too many keys at one time and the letter bars get clunked altogether & then you have to unclunk them! Just like the typewriter I've just gotten stuck, shredded & ineffective. And if you get in that situation over & over enough times - pretty soon - you may not realize it but you've subtly given up and then just procrastinated whatever it was you needed to do. Now I've procrastinated so much that I have unfinished projects all over the house and cannot seem to decide which one is the higher priority! So I basically just give up and move on to the "urgent" things that MUST get done (you know, the ones that SCREAM at you!).
Now I know most of my close friends would make excuses for me and say "well, you've been through so much this year - you have to give yourself a break." Well, I do! But I'm not gonna make excuses for the lack of focus going on in my mind. Jesus died to give me the mind of Christ and by golly I'm gonna fight to receive that mind!!! I know Jesus' mind was a focused mind. He was completely focused on God's will. He didn't let anything or anyone distract Him God's purpose for Him.
I'm just so tired of trying to tell one story to someone and going off into 3 bunny trails and then an hour later remember that I never got to the point of the story! Somebody tell me if this is what ADD is! Actually, I've been like this most of my life, but either it's got worse or maybe I'm just noticing it MORE than ever before. But it definitely has been affecting my daily life like never before. My productivity is at it's WORST than I've ever seen. And it's not just because I'm not saying no to different activities or doing things for people. For the most part, I don't do much except for handle home & family. But lately in the last 3 yrs, it's just been WAY too much for me. Thing is, I've handled SO much more than this with abundant grace.
With God's help I will get to bottom of this. But I really needed to get this written out and I haven't been doing well with journaling- I might write something once a month or less...... though that's not where I want to be. All in all, I choose to trust God and if I continue in this process, He'll lead me out. I am confident of that. Because He was, IS and always will be FAITHFUL!
I apologize if this has a more negative tone, but this is how repentance occurs. In order to change, first we must SEE the need for change to get fed up with the way things are. That's where I'm at! Oh God keep stirring me up! Don't stop convicting me and showing me the truth about myself! I need it! I need You to pull me up out of the pit of distraction, confusion & undecisiveness. Joel 2:12 "Therefore now," says the Lord, "Turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed and the broken fellowship is restored]."
(Continue with Joel 2:13-14 for more good reading)
